No One is Coming to Save You

Photo by Mathias Reding on Unsplash

”After the age of 30, you no longer get to blame your parents.”

Lisa S

Here’s the deal, at the risk of beating the proverbial dead horse, no one is coming to save you.

That’s your job.

This conversation may be a little repetitive, but we need to get crystal fucking clear on this point. You have to take ownership of your life.

The other day I was at a coffee shop. I had arrived early for a meeting, so I pulled out my iPad to get some work done while I waited. It was a crowded space, and it was nearly impossible not to hear the conversations around me. There were a couple of guys seated to my left. Before I could pop my Air Pods in and turn on some music to drown them out, I caught a bit of their conversation.

The guy closest to me was lamenting how sometimes he just needed some time and space to himself. He talked about how he would drive a few extra blocks out of the way on his commute home to just enjoy some silence. He mentioned how he sometimes would go downstairs to the kitchen to have a snack and would sit in the kitchen and eat it by himself just to steal some space from his wife and his kids.

Part of me wanted to spin around and yell “grow a pair of fucking balls!!!!” The other part of me realized this was just another affirmation of what I had come to realize was an epidemic of the savior mentality. For this guy, he looked to his wife to save him. He looked to his wife to recognize his need for time and space to fill his own cup, and in the absence of being gifted that level of awareness and permission, he was having to steal that time for himself.

Instead of boldly owning his own situation and understanding that he was acting selflessly not selfishly, he instead acted with blame and shame. Shame that he needed to sneak away and blame his wife did not understand his need for some time alone. But instead of talking to his wife about it, instead of having the courage to engage in what may have been a difficult conversation, he went to the coffee shop with his buddy and poured his heart out there instead.

That may sound judgemental, but it’s not. I used to be that guy too. I get it.

Love Languages

If you’re not familiar with the work of Gary Chapman, Ph.D., I encourage you to check out his website at www.5lovelanguages.com. As stated on his website, the premise of The 5 Love Languages book is that different people with different personalities give and receive love in different ways. My number one love language is words of affirmation. My wife, however, prefers quality time and acts of service.

For a long time, I didn’t understand this, and it lead to all kinds of difficulties and dysfunction for us.

For about a year and a half, I would write her a note every morning and leave it on the keyboard of her laptop. At first, it was probably perceived as novel and then loving, and eventually just annoying. It was my way of making a deposit every day and making sure she knew she was loved. The problem was, it was my way. It was through words of affirmation. I wasn’t speaking a language that she heard easily, but instead was doing what came easiest for me.

One day, she asked me to stop writing notes. She said they were just ”empty words.” I realized then that I had completely missed the boat. My wife feels more loved when we go have a fun adventure, or when I do something around the house to help preserve it and keep it presentable. That’s how I pour into her cup. Those are a few things I can do to make a contribution. And that’s something we should be looking to do. We should all be finding ways to assist those we care about in filling their own cups, but that’s only part of it.

The bigger part is that you stop waiting for that someone to come around to do the work for you.

Own Your Shit

My wife has now known for years that my primary love language is words of affirmation. And while she knows that, it doesn’t come naturally for her. It’s not the language that resonates with her, and so it’s not often the language she speaks to me. She’s always down for a fun date. She will do damn near anything to support me in work or in life. But words of affirmation? They usually come around on special occasions.

That used to annoy the fuck out of me. Like the guy at the coffee shop, I would feel victimized. I would be annoyed that she didn’t give me compliments or sing my praises. I would blame her and get upset with her for not seeing me, and then feel shame and guilt that I underappreciated all the cool stuff she did do for me.

My problem was that I was expecting her to fill my cup, and I lacked gratitude for all the ways she was trying to do so. But the most important revelation was that while I learned to appreciate the good stuff she did regularly, I also realized it wasn’t her job to make me feel good.

That was my job, and it’s your job too.

The value of positive affirmations and loving gestures, in whatever language, can not be understated. They are critical habits that enrich the lives of those you interact with while simultaneously filling your own cup.

But it cannot be the only solution.

You have to learn the skills to fill your cup when there is no one else around when you have no one else to lean on. You have to learn to fill your cup from the inside out.

You have to learn to own your own shit.

That’s the true secret to living life fully.

If you can learn to fill your own cup, then the love you pour into others will be given freely, and no expectation or obligation will be created. That’s how doing good unto others automatically refills our own cup.

It’s not easy. It will take intention. You’ll have to overcome all kinds of noise and distractions. You’ll have to be committed, not interested. You’ll have to learn to be consistent.

But it’s fully within your power, and it’s 100% your own responsibility.